TODAY.....

It will be a year, tonight at 2:05, and it’s hard to believe that it has been that long; it feels like yesterday. Once again I have the baby monitor on my night table. Even with my eyes closed, the humming sound reminds me of this time last October. Now instead of listening for Bird’s call from his sick bed, it is to hear if one of the rug rats should wake. The monitor is installed for the same reason as before, to offer comfort when needed; only the circumstances are different.

The children are here this morning, noisy and energetic as children are meant to be. Most days I can deal with it, in fact I enjoy it, but I was relieved to hear that the whole family will be going to a friend’s place for supper and the evening. I need some alone time with my doggies – and with my memories.

I’ve been trying to hold back tears since I got up, but they have a mind of their own. I’ve shut myself in my office to avoid the rug rats’ questioning stares. Their Mommy must be wondering too – usually I’m out there helping with breakfast, refereeing the squabbles, curbing Smooch’s overly enthusiastic play. My son is in training classes today. If he was here, he would know why, and act as a buffer. I doubt if she remembers, and she is too polite to ask. I’ll have to explain - it’s not fair to her otherwise. She is very close to her own brother, and I know she’ll understand.

I miss him....enormously.

He knew me better than anyone else ever could, or ever will again. If he was here right now, he’d sit beside me, and throw his arm around my shoulders; give me a squeeze. He would try a couple of jokes, and if there was no response on my part, he would stay there and hold me quietly, waiting until the pain eased. Then he would probably comment that the sound of my sobbing was much like my singing...an awful racket to be confronted with stoic endurance.

And I would tell him “I’m gonna kick your ass, Bird!”, and he would answer, “Not if I kick yours first!”

And we would both SMILE.

Luv from the Bush in Quebec.