FOUR YEARS....

It was Mommy’s jumping out of bed that woke me at 2 AM this morning. I groggily wondered where she was going – usually she needs to be prodded to get up – she likes our bed. When I turned over I was facing the clock...and seeing the time sharpened the thoughts that have been on the edge of my mind all month. Okay – I wouldn’t be going back to sleep right away, I knew that now.

Four years today, and it sure doesn’t seem that long. I know I say it every anniversary, and it’s just the truth. Right now I am sitting the same place I was four years ago, in exactly the same spot. Except then it was on the side of Bird’s bed instead of on my office chair. I was saying goodbye.

I cry a little, because I still miss him terribly. I also smile, because I can’t think of him without re-living all those crazy hours spent together; hours of laughter, and sibling bitching and love...so many giggles, so much love.

I don’t remember him just on October 14th. I believe I can safely say not many days go by without his invading my space, much as he did when he was alive – something he said, or did, or how he would react to a certain situation. But tonight, maybe because I am alone here, in the same place, at the same time these years later...it just seems to hit me more. I know he’s not here...but he is.

I sincerely hope that, after I am gone, my children will be able to feel as I do at this moment. There is the pain of loss, yes; but there is also the peace of accepting the way it is, has been, and will continue to be in our human span. Mostly it is overwhelming, warm gratitude for his having been part of my life.

And I SMILE.

Luv from the Bush in Quebec.