KEEP ON KEEPIN' ON

Suzie wants me to go with her to a party tonight to ring in the New Year; in fact, she has already bought our tickets required for attendance. She has been planning it for a couple of months now, showed me her new dress, named those who would also be celebrating with us. It will be held in a small country bar – the one I used to own a long time ago. Even though reluctant from the outset, I had agreed to participate.

It’s not going to happen.

I’ll run up to see her today, pay her the $8.00 she spent on the ticket (which she can give to someone else if she wishes), and beg off. I hate to disappoint her, and I know she will be disappointed, but I just can’t do it.

Last year Bird and I were to accompany Suzie to this same place for the yearly ‘do’. I had $20.00 in my pocket, and I knew he was flat broke, but I figured I’d have enough to buy us each a beer, then we could come back to my house and continue celebrating with brandy and eggnog, our New Year’s tradition. When I arrived to pick him up, Bird warned me about the cover charge.

“8$ each,” he said. “Sorry, sis – I don’t have it.” Neither did I. His costs were not all covered by health insurance, and had made a huge dent in our pocketbooks during the past few months, and we knew there were more to come.

We decided to forget it. The most important thing was to be together anyway. I called and left a message for Suzie, then Bird and I headed back to the bush, stopping at the convenience store just long enough to purchase some julienne bacon-hickory chips, Bird’s preferred snack. Once home, we mixed our brandies, put on a couple of his CD’s with our favourite tunes, then settled beside the Christmas tree, laughing at the antics of an enthusiastic Bud (who was sick but still here), and Grump-puppy; they were both quite agreeable that their humans stick around.

In the end of January, when I lost my Bud, I shut myself away from the world for three days. I screamed, I cried a million tears; I cuddled with a mourning Grump-puppy on the couch...and let the pain cut through me until it made me choke. On the fourth day, I picked myself up and got back to living. I still miss Bud enormously, but the sharp edge of his loss, that all-encompassing grief, had been dulled because I had allowed myself to vent.

I can be strong when I need to be, but lately I find myself tearing up at the most inopportune moments – waiting in line at the bank, on my way to visit a client, in the aisles at the grocery store. I recognize that I’m on the edge, and tears are a very private thing for me. I am much too fragile to attend a party where many of Bird’s friends, and memories, will be in evidence. Alcohol tends to bring out well-meaning but maudlin sentiments; no way can I handle that right now.

I think I’ll just run into town this afternoon, pick up a small bottle of brandy, some eggnog, and some julienne chips, then come back and await 2012 quietly in the bush, just me and Grump. If venting happens, so be it. If not, it’s because I’m not ready yet. Either way, I know I’ll feel Bird’s presence – Bud will be here too - and together we’ll toast to ‘keep on keepin’ on’.

Sending you wishes for a HAPPY NEW YEAR, folks! And, of course, those wishes are floating out to you on a huge SMILE!!

Luv from the Bush in Quebec.